Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
