Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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