The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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