The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
