Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
