Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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