cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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