i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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