Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
