The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
