GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
