Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
