i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
