I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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