No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
