apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
