he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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