I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
