You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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