Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
