24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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