Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
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This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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