Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
