i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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