Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize