I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
