I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
