i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
