I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
