Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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