I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
