my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
