either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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