I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
farters have to be the big spoon...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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