Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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