i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
