Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
