She said her name was "party"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
