if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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