I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
