They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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