Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
