Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
