I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
