i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
