And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
