I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
