Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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