upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
