I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
