I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
