I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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