she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
