it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
