how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
