He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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