My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
