My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
