The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
