Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
